This particular adaptation (there have been many — at least five, including a mini-series for television) is rife with goofy anachronisms and whiz-bang punch lines. People are “stressed” and “always trying to motivate themselves.” Characters refer to themselves as “kids.”

Some of these modern touches are intentionally, or at least knowingly, amusing. Luis Guzman is very funny, but he could have walked off the set of Boogie Nights and into this picture for all the “historical” energy he gives off. Some of the modern psycho babble is mouthed very sincerely and throws off the tone of the picture, but it doesn’t matter much.

This isn’t a comic version of Dumas a la The Three Musketeers of 1974, which combined romance, humor and numerous duels in just the right proportions, with Raquel Welch bouncing through the proceedings. This is just sloppy and slightly confused, which only modestly detracts from the tremendous appeal of the story, staging and performances.

The reason the novels of Dumas get remade so often is because the stories and characters are so durable and full of passion. So when we meet Edmond Dantes (James Caviezel), and he is a good and handsome but lowly born soul, we like him. And when we realize that his aristocratic, spoiled friend Fernand de Mondego (Guy Pearce) covets his lovely fiance, Mercedes, and despises Edmond’s happy, courageous character, we know bad things are about to happen.

Fernand gets Edmond arrested on trumped up charges of treason and thrown into the infamous prison, Chateau d’If. For 12 years, Edmond rots in prison suffering annual beatings from the warden.

Lucky for him and for us, several years into this unjust very solitary punishment, he is blessed by the friendship of Abbe Faria. The Abbe is no ordinary priest. He fought with Napoleon and is a very learned gentleman. From him Edmond learns to read, write and reason. (He doesn’t seem to learn the basics of human reproductive biology, which causes him some grief later.) He also learns to fight.

While Edmond is in prison The Count of Monte Cristo feels the truest to a different time largely because the priest is played by Richard Harris. The rapport between Harris and Caviezel makes a nice oasis in the middle of the movie. After playing an emperor in Gladiator and a wizard in Harry Potter, it is nice to see Harris in a role that lets him flex a little more life experience.

The priest transforms Edmond and also gives him two very precious gifts beyond all he has taught him. He gives Edmond the means to escape, and he gives Edmond the map to a vast fortune in buried, or rather sunken, treasure.

Edmond makes his escape (a wonderful scene), does a brief stint as a pirate where he hooks up with Jacopo (the amusing Mr. Guzman), finds the fortune left him by the priest and heads home to Marseilles to discover what has happened to those he loved and those who betrayed him.

The news is not good. He stops in to visit his former employer, who had great hopes for the young Edmond, but does not recognize the man in front of him. Edmond learns that his imprisonment had horrible consequences. His father is dead. The health and well-being of the friend he sits with are gone. The lovely Mercedes married Fernand just a month after Edmond was imprisoned!

All of this is terrible and is told to Edmond in hushed tones, as he and his old friend sit by the hearth, illuminated only by a small fire. Unfortunately, the boom mike hangs in plain sight for too much of this scene and it utterly spoils the effect. Talk about anachronisms! I can ignore and excuse a mike that slips into frame and quickly disappears, especially if it is in a contemporary, low-budget production. But there is really no excuse for it in this case. Even if there is no other take that works, these days in a production this lavish the offending mike can be digitally obscured in post production, if anyone cares enough.

The makers of The Count of Monte Cristo have spent a great deal to make the picture look good. The locations, costumes and interiors are all excellent. This particular blunder makes the whole endeavor seem amateurish. I can’t be more generous. I’m an enthusiast, not a shill.

Director Kevin Reynolds has worked twice with Kevin Costner on Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Waterworld. I’m sure those experiences gave him a warped sense of who is in charge on a movie set. Perhaps that helps explain why he would let the boom mike slip through and also why some of the performances vary so widely. Caviezel transforms nicely, but he starts out so wide-eyed and dewy it is no wonder Fernand wants to smack him. Guy Pearce starts out quite menacingly, but by his downfall he is giving his most flamboyant performance since The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

As swashbucklers go, I’m partricularly partial to the screen adaptations of the novels of Raphael Sabatini: Scaramouche, Captain Blood and The Sea Hawk. My all time favorite is The Prisoner of Zenda. This Count of Monte Cristo is so much fun despite its faults, I can only hope it leads to new adaptations for all my favorites.