by Judi Loomis
If you're one of the many prodigal sons or daughters who experience extreme stress upon returning home to your roots, Codes of Love could be the book that offers you some real insight to boosting your self-esteem. Author Mark Bryan is a master at understanding the feelings of entrapment and fear when it comes to closing family ties and rekindling the good and love that family can provide.
Recall for a moment the day you left home for college, a career or just a change of life. Remember also the day you crossed that household threshold and cut the cord between yourself, your parents and your siblings. That rush of enthusiasm was undoubtedly coupled with a subconscious guilt of leaving home and closing the door on those you loved and spent your childhood with. Your excitement may have been a remarkable revelation at the time, but sooner or later there will be an occasion to return home, either for holidays, weddings, funerals, vacations or what have you.
Here's where it gets tricky This is the point of emotional maturity -- returning to your roots. In many ways it's much harder to return then it was to leave.
Bryan has successfully blended a mixture of theory and compelling real life examples. As he will be the first to admit, growing up in his household was far from pleasant. Yet, to sum it up, his intent with the book is a tale of redemption and forgiveness, but most importantly of reconnecting with the family -- a homecoming in the truest sense of the word.
In many ways Codes of Love provides the reader with self-help in dealing with mixed feelings about reconnecting with ones family. Early on Bryan offers four subtitles that provide the basis for and the exercise required to overcome these mixed feelings. Bryan entitles them Remember, Reflect, Re-frame and Reconnect.
Remembering is a reawakening to the pleasant memories of family. "The best way to regain a fuller picture is not to use your mind but to use your senses," writes Bryan. "One of the most powerful techniques is to reacquaint yourself with the sights, objects and scents of childhood." Bryan suggests recalling photographs, old toys and favorite foods to help evoke the best memories of your past.
Reflecting involves learning how to play with our memories and role-play the various characters in our lives. "In reflecting, we shift forward and backward in time, and practice seeing the events of the past through others' perspectives," writes Byron. "Blending our version of the truth with our families views affords us a wider vision of the world in which we grew up, and therefore the world in which we now live."
Re-frame: Here we commit to finding the strengths in our family. "It's a matter of understanding your family's present and to take stock of your own development," writes Bryan. Ultimately what this step will do is allow you to gain a broader view of the great chain of generations that shaped your family and gain a better understanding of the family dynamics as a whole.
Reconnecting is ultimately the real test of our work. "The real proof of our maturity is in the ability to establish and maintain that person-to-person relationship with family members and friends," writes Bryan. "We learn the delicate balancing act between the twin forces of togetherness and autonomy."
Ultimately, Codes of Love is a practice in reconnecting with the love and relationships of our past while not sacrificing our integrity. The keys, Bryan explains, are acceptance, the use of loving candor and the cessation of judgment and blame.
Although much of Bryan's Codes of Love is written in layman's terms, much of the remedy needs to be translated from psychological terms into easy-to-distinguish knowledge about lessons in life. Readers undoubtedly will find themselves in each chapter, as the lessons cover virtually every example of family matters, good and the bad, and easily explains methods of overcoming the fears that partner reconnecting with your family especially after a measurable distance of time has taken place.
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